Dismantling Myths about Relationship Abuse

This post is the second part of a two-part series. You can read Part 1, about Challenging Myths about Sexual Assault here.

When I became a crisis counselor for survivors of rape and intimate partner violence, it was shocking for me to learn how broad the definitions of sexual assault and intimate partner violence are.

I thought that sexual assault was synonymous with rape. But, as I learned, it's any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without someone's explicit consent.

At any point during sexual activity, we have the right to say no. Even in the middle of any sexual behavior, we have the right to say, "No. I don’t want to do this anymore," and the behavior must stop. If the behavior continues or if there is manipulation or coercion and the behavior continues, that is sexual assault.

This was huge in my world.

It caused me to look back and reevaluate previous experiences. I had to come to terms with what had really happened, so I could heal.  

That journey led to me crowdfunding and creating the Rape Crisis Counseling mobile app with rape crisis centers and women's rights organizations around the world.

Understanding Relationship Abuse

Working on the app with so many experienced partners confronted me with the false beliefs I’d been carrying about relationship abuse.

I thought that intimate partner violence meant physical violence within an intimate partner relationship, but it's not just physical. Intimate partner abuse also includes verbal, emotional, economic, and sexual abuse, as well as coercive control.

Understanding that meant I needed to come to terms, once more, with the reality of past relationships. Now, the trauma I experienced in their aftermath made sense.

The emotional or psychological abuse associated with intimate partner violence has a much broader scope than most of us realize.

It includes insults, belittling, constant humiliation, intimidation (including destroying things), threats of harm (to themselves, their partner, the children, or the pets), and threats to take away the children. It also includes controlling behaviors, like isolating someone from their family and friends, monitoring their movements, and restricting their access to financial resources, employment, education, or medical care.

These behaviors don’t happen in isolation. Different types of intimate partner violence often coexist. For example, physical violence is often preceded by instances of sexual and emotional abuse and coercive control.

"Why Do They Stay?"

The biggest question people have about relationship abuse is, "Why don't they leave?"

What most people don't know is that statistically, the most dangerous time for a survivor is when they are leaving and right after they leave an abusive relationship. This is when they and their children are most vulnerable to physical violence and retaliation, including death.

It's necessary for people experiencing relationship abuse to adopt strategies that maximize their safety and their children’s safety. What may appear to outsiders as inaction may be a strategy to protect the survivor and their children.

There are many reasons that a survivor might stay with an abusive partner. A large motivating factor is their attachment to and love for their partner, and the hope that their partner will change.

Also, they may fear retaliation, or depend on the abuser financially and not have another way to support themselves. They may lack support from family and friends and want to avoid the social stigma that is culturally associated with divorce or living alone. They may be concerned for their children and fear losing custody of them in family court.

Despite these reasons, many survivors do leave their partners permanently. However, it may require multiple attempts over many years. This is normal, although it is often judged by outsiders and can be frustrating to the friends and family supporting the survivor.

The two biggest factors that contribute to a survivor’s decision to permanently leave their partner are a realization that their partner will not change and a recognition that the violence is affecting their children.

Statistics show that children who grow up around relationship abuse are likely to perpetuate the cycle in their own relationships, unless they get the support they need to heal.

Knowing more about relationship abuse is the only way we can collectively change things.

I hope that reading this will support you to intervene and speak up, with your friends or family members, to give them the support they are so desperately hoping someone will offer.

What We Don’t Realize about Intimate Partner Violence

Most of us are conditioned to think that the harm ends when a survivor leaves the relationship. But research shows very clearly that is not the case.

Most of us don't know that the impacts of relationship abuse last long after the abuse ends and can seriously impact the survivor’s physical and mental health over their lifetime if they don't get support and healing.

The more severe the abuse is, the greater the impact is on a survivor’s physical and mental health. Survivors may also experience illnesses that have no clear cause, often described as "stress-related conditions.” 

Survivors of intimate partner violence have higher rates of depression, anxiety, and fear and are more likely to experience emotional distress and thoughts of suicide or to attempt suicide.

Survivors are twice as likely to report poor health and physical and mental health problems — even if the intimate partner violence occurred years prior. This is why it's so important for survivors to get the support they need to heal.

Intimate partner violence has been linked to eating disorders, sleep disorders, poor self-esteem, post-traumatic stress, self-harm, unsafe sexual behavior, and substance abuse.

Survivors of intimate partner violence may also experience sexual dysfunction, unintended and unwanted pregnancy, pregnancy complications, urinary tract infections, and sexually transmitted infections including HIV.

Intimate partner violence is especially dangerous during pregnancy because it is associated with miscarriage, stillbirth, late entry into prenatal care, premature labor and birth, fetal injury, and low birth-weight infants.

It gets even scarier.

Research from a variety of countries indicates that most female murder victims were killed by a partner or ex-partner, often in the context of intimate partner violence. Intimate partner violence also increases the risk of a survivor committing suicide.

As if this wasn't bad enough, intimate partner violence also has negative social and health consequences on children, including anxiety, depression, poor school performance, and negative health outcomes. Children in households where there is intimate partner violence are also likely to become either perpetrators or survivors later in life. And research also indicates that children in households with intimate partner violence have a greater likelihood of dying before the age of five.

This is why the false beliefs we have that minimize and dismiss relationship abuse are so dangerous. Speaking out and supporting someone you care about can literally save their life.

9 Myths about Relationship Abuse

Society still perpetuates false beliefs about relationship abuse that are used to deny and justify it.

The myths I'll share here focus on men as the perpetrators and women as the victims of intimate partner violence, because this is the majority. But perpetrators can be women and men can be victims too.

These are rightfully upsetting, so please notice your level of nervous system activation when you're reading. If you find yourself agitated or upset, take a break, self-care, and come back when you're ready.

1. Men are superior to women and have a right to assert their power.

No. Traditional cultural beliefs about men and women's roles in society can make women vulnerable to intimate partner violence.

2. Men have a right to discipline women for their behavior. No. There is no space for dominance and control in healthy, adult relationships.

3. Violence is an acceptable way to resolve conflict in a relationship. No. Adults resolve disagreements through respectful dialogue and debate. Conflict is resolved through communication.

4. Men have a right to control the women in their lives. No. Coercive control is harmful and is a form of intimate partner violence.

5. Women should tolerate intimate partner violence to maintain the relationship or family. No. No one should stay in an unhealthy relationship that is causing them harm.

6. Women deserve abuse because of how they dress, behave, or speak. No. Abuse is always the responsibility of the perpetrator. Women do not cause intimate partner violence by "talking back," dressing, or behaving in a certain way.

7. Sexual activity, including rape, is a sign of masculinity. No. Men's value is based on their character and value as human beings, not on sexual conquests or dominance.

8. Women are responsible for controlling men’s sexual desires. No. People are responsible for managing their own sexual desires and healthy sexual self-expression.

9. If a woman fights back to defend herself from abuse, she is at fault for the abuse. No. Self-defense from harm is an instinctive and natural reaction to danger. Women who defend themselves are not to blame for how their partner mistreats them.

I hope that exploring these together empowers you to speak to and support people in your life who might be experiencing relationship abuse.

Seeing and witnessing someone in their suffering matters more than you know. Sometimes, all it takes is one person who cares enough to speak up, for it to make a difference.

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Thank you for reading.

If you know someone who might benefit from reading this, I hope you'll share it with them. If you’d like to subscribe to my mailing list, you can do that here.

I work one-on-one with people who have unresolved trauma from relationship and sexual abuse. If you’re curious, you can learn more about my work here or reach out to schedule a chat.