Transforming Touch in Trauma Healing
I was teaching at a Silicon Valley summer program on the NASA Ames campus that brought together almost a hundred entrepreneurs from around the world when I learned something unexpected. For 12 weeks, startup founders from over 40 countries lived together in dorms, exploring how to use exponential technologies to positively impact the world.
The program's lineup of technology luminaries was impressive. We heard from the program’s founders, Ray Kurzweil and Peter Diamandis, almost every week at informal fireside chats. The way I saw the world changed, but that’s not what surprised me.
What surprised me was how, over weeks of sleep-deprived stress and uncertainty, participants created connection and community so far from home. In particular, they used a tool called the 20-Second Hug.
You may already know that a hug releases optimal doses of oxytocin, a beneficial happiness hormone – but only if it lasts for at least 20 seconds.
One of my favorite things to see, in the open classroom where technology leaders were about to take the stage, were participants’ morning rituals of greeting each other with hugs. These were not the quick, grab-and-go hugs often offered to friends in passing.
No, these were serious, scientific hugs.
Once both people had agreed to hug, they would step close and count it out, "One, two, three, four..." all the way to 20. It didn’t matter where they were standing. Other participants would give them wide berth and respectful silence.
It didn't matter where people were from — whether they'd grown up in Palo Alto or never left their home country before coming to the program. Hugs became the currency of connection, a shared language of care that catalyzed the group into a community.
Touch is a powerful communicator, if we can learn to give and receive it.
Trauma and Safe Touch
When I had unresolved trauma, I braced whenever friends bestowed well-meaning hugs, tensing my arms as I felt them quickly squeeze my body. Even with my husband, I would hold my breath and freeze when he leaned in for physical affection. In both situations, I longed for the connection. But my body didn't know how to receive it or reciprocate.
It all felt like too much, too fast — something I wanted to get over with because I didn't know the "right" thing to do.
Whenever our nervous systems are overwhelmed, touch likely feels confusing or uncomfortable. When we're outside our window of capacity, we no longer have the energy to calibrate. Should we get closer or take more distance? What does the other person expect? What are we supposed to do? It can feel like a lose-lose situation so paralyzing that our nervous systems simply freeze or fawn in an attempt to negotiate connection and belonging.
Even those of us without trauma often have trouble with physical touch. Perhaps we were raised in cultures that frowned on physical affection, or maybe healthy touch wasn’t modeled in our families or friendships. We might have we experienced intrusive touch from caregivers that felt unattuned to our needs and preferences.
In modern culture, we're not taught the value and benefit of touch.
This is sad, because our nervous systems are wired to relax into profound states of healing and restoration when we receive safe touch from people we care about. It's good for our immune systems, our hormonal balance, and our mental and emotional wellbeing.
Safe touch is attuned touch that recognizes our boundaries, needs, and preferences. It's a dynamic conversation between two people that requires listening and responsiveness.
For example, we might be taught to behave one way (like hugging hello), but our bodies want something else (because we brace and hold our breath when we do). We might not notice our bodies signaling “No.” We might hug hello anyway, pushing ourselves to be “polite” and “not hurt someone’s feelings.” These mixed messages can be confusing, especially if we don't understand how trauma impacts the nervous system.
If we say "Yes!" to the question, "Do you want a hug?" and we genuinely want to receive one, it’s still possible that our bodies might not be ready for it. This mind-body “split” is common with unresolved complex trauma (CTPSD) because our boundaries and needs were often disregarded.
As adults, it’s hard to get a clear signal or know what to do about it. But when we track our sensations, while receiving a hug, we might notice we hold our breath, brace, freeze, or dissociate into mental distractions the minute we make physical contact. Even if our heart is open and we're a "Yes" to the person hugging us, our bodies might not be ready.
This can feel awkward and inconvenient, so we often override the signals rising from our felt sense in favor of smoothing things over and not making a fuss. "Just get it over with," we tell ourselves, "What's the big deal?"
It's important to notice how our felt sense, the language of sensations and their location in the body, responds before, during, and after being touched to discern how we really feel.
We often push ourselves to say “Yes” when we’re not ready or pressure our “Maybe” to become a “Yes.” We don't want to hurt people's feelings. We don't want to be weird. We want to be easy and accommodating, so we override our bodies' boundaries around touch. Many of us were taught to do this as children, pressured to hug adults when we didn't want to, as if refusing would embarrass our parents or hurt the adults' feelings.
We need to reclaim our natural boundaries and preferences to heal our relationship with touch and teach our bodies that it's safe to enjoy it.
Healing Touch after Complex Trauma (CPTSD)
Touch isn't just about the sexual intimacy we share with our partners; it's a communal language that communicates connection, safety, and belonging.
When we have unresolved trauma of any kind (not just sexual), touch becomes a minefield because of how easily it activates nervous system overwhelm. Touch carries layers of information that the body takes in, below the level of language. When we're carrying the burden of unresolved trauma, our nervous systems are already close to capacity and easily flooded.
Many of us can likely recall experiences where we walled off from receiving safe touch because we didn't want to tolerate the activation of closeness. After sexual and relational trauma, other people often feel unsafe, and touch can trigger unexpected emotional flashbacks of panic, terror, and dread.
If we don't know how to navigate the intensity of these involuntary nervous system responses, it's easy to imagine that something is wrong with us. Or decide that we're better off alone. Walling off from receiving touch doesn't keep us from hungering for it, though. Our nervous systems still long for safe touch that instantly communicates security and connection.
Or we go in the opposite direction after sexual and relational trauma, and self-abandon around touch in a way that can feel equally frightening. If our boundaries were violated, especially during vulnerable stages of our childhood and teenage development, we might have created a story that it's not safe to say "No."
When this happens, sexual performativity can become an expression of unresolved sexual or relational trauma. We don't know how to communicate our boundaries around touch and quickly activate into a freeze or fawn trauma response. We go along with what other people want because it feels safer to mask our confusion with agreeableness and accommodation.
Both walling off from touch and abandoning our boundaries around touch are attempts to create safety for ourselves because of earlier experiences. But as long as we do, we allow the past to stand in the way of enjoying the easy comfort of safe and healthy physical connection.
How to Reclaim Safe and Healthy Touch after Complex Trauma (CPTSD)
The good news is, once we understand why touch feels complicated, we can heal unresolved trauma and train ourselves to enjoy the benefits of self-touch, caring touch, and even sexual touch if we choose too.
This is not just about healing trauma but orienting towards the sensory pleasure of joy and aliveness again. In the past, our nervous systems learned touch was unsafe, so it takes time to trust that touch, from the people we care about, can feel good.
If this is something that you’d like to explore, I want to offer a few invitations. If you give these a try, I encourage you to start with self-touch and slowly shift to caring touch, and then sexual touch either alone or with your partner.
If you have a partner, you might want to show them this article and have a conversation about healing touch together, so they're informed and equipped to support you.
Self-Touch and Trauma Healing
Most of us weren't taught how to self-soothe physically in ways that reliably move us out of a stress response and into relaxation. Here are some options to experiment with.
1. Self-Massage: Start with your feet or your hands, which are generally less activating than massaging the head, legs, or torso. Notice what it's like to adjust the pressure, speed, location, and type of self-touch depending on how your body responds. Listen to the language of your muscle tension, breathing rate, and felt sense as you adjust to your body's preferences.
2. Rocking: Slowly rocking back and forth or side to side activates our vestibular system — part of our parasympathetic nervous system responsible for resting and relaxing. Just a few minutes of gentle rocking can be deeply soothing and restorative, especially if hands-on self-touch feels too activating.
3. Wrapping or Cocooning: Swaddling yourself in a blanket, scarf, or shawl is another way to receive hands-free self-touch, which can feel safer for many people. Try wrapping around your shoulders, your head, or your whole body. Experiment with ways to tuck the fabric to create the “right” amount of tension and give yourself a few minutes to rest.
Learning to Receive Caring Touch
Once you feel comfortable with self-touch, you’re ready to train your body to receive caring, nonsexual touch from friends and your partner. Don’t worry about getting this “right,” and hold yourself gently if you get suddenly activated. This is a process, and the safety is learned through repetition over time.
1. Negotiate: Verbally communicate, as best you can, about what kind of touch you’re hoping to give or receive. Hold yourself gently, with the understanding that you're learning to do this and it’s normal to feel awkward. Take the lead and notice what your body feels like when you're a "Yes," a "Maybe," or a "No." And remember, "Maybe" means "No for now."
2. Go Slow: The fastest way to heal trauma and transform touch is by going as slowly with yourself as possible. The best way to show your nervous system that you're safe now is to explore with no judgement and no agenda. The minute you notice you’re starting to push or hurry towards an outcome, slow all the way down.
3. Pause and Assess: After experiencing physical touch, pause. Give yourself space and time to settle. Notice what comes up. Does it still feel good afterwards? What did you learn? What could be better next time? Take time to listen to your body. Notice what works for you, and be honest about what doesn't.
Reclaiming Sensory Touch (With and Without a Partner)
When you feel comfortable with self-touch, and giving and receiving caring touch, you might want to explore sensory touch, which can be profoundly expansive for your nervous system. Start with solo sensory touch. With time, slowly include your partner — with all the same encouragements from the section above.
1. Sensory Touch, Not Sexual Touch: Sensory touch is about attuning to the experience of pleasure in our own skin, which is distinct from sexual self-expression. Reclaiming sensory touch means exploring fabrics we wear, sleep in, and use in our daily lives, and noticing what feels good. It's about how we brush our hair, towel off after a shower, and create comfort when we sit or rest. Notice all the opportunities to connect with the pleasure of touch that are available in your daily life and let them in.
2. Explore the Five Senses: Each of the five senses is a gateway for the nervous system. Noticing the five senses creates a present-moment awareness that helps the body ground into the safety available in the moment. Notice the goodness around you, the sounds, smells, taste of the air, the feeling of it all. Notice that it's good here right now. Let the present moment touch you and let it in.
3. Safe Harboring: If you're partnered, allowing your partner to hold and physically be close can feel extremely intimate and sometimes overwhelming. Safe harboring means receiving nonsexual holding and proximity from your partner. This includes how you’re held, in what position, and for how long. Negotiate so that it feels good — really good — for you.
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I share more about healing touch and pleasure reclamation in the individual trauma resolution and couples’ work I offer in my private practice, which is all conducted via Zoom. My training includes years of traditional Tantric and Daoist study and a wealth of ancient practices that are a powerful complement to the modern neuroscience and interpersonal neurobiology of trauma healing.
If you're curious about the work I do, I encourage you to reach out. And if you give these invitations a try, I'd love to hear how they go.
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Elie Losleben supports individuals and couples internationally through trauma resolution and embodied healing. She brings extensive training in somatic approaches and a deep understanding of how the nervous system shapes our capacity for connection. To learn more about working together, you're welcome to reach out.