Complex Trauma and Emotional Safety

One thing that bothers me about attachment theory is how researchers use language to pathologize different attachment styles. Any diversion from "secure" attachment becomes "insecure," a word that carries a huge negative connotation.

Nobody likes being called "insecure."

The researchers call people who express high nervous system activation during attachment ruptures "anxious" or "preoccupied," and people who experience, but don't express, that same activation, "avoidant" or "dismissive." Those of us with complex trauma often have a combination of both "insecure" styles…And what do we get labeled? "Disorganized" or "fearful!"

These are not words that make people feel good about themselves. They certainly don't inspire us towards growth and change.

Attachment Styles and Complex Trauma (CPTSD) 

Our attachment styles emerge from how our nervous systems patterned in response to our earliest caregiver dynamics. Far from being fixed traits, our attachment styles continue to shift and evolve.

How they change depends on the safety and security of the primary relationships we cultivate, usually with our intimate partner 

I work with a lot of people who have complex trauma (or CPTSD) in my practice. Some of the most intrusive symptoms that people come to me for support with arise from attachment rupture and relational trauma.

From the experience of healing my own complex trauma, I know our closest relationships are not always places of safety or sanctuary.

As people with complex trauma, we have endured repeated experiences that overwhelm our nervous systems and make us feel isolated and alone. Each repeated experience of trauma deepens our relational patterning around a prolonged lack of love, safety, and belonging.

We long for connection and the company of others, but other people just don't feel safe. We want closeness with others but get angry when they get too close. We need intimacy but feel aversion when opportunities arise. We want to be loved for who we are, but long held patterns of pleasing others make it too terrifying to risk expressing ourselves authentically.

With complex trauma, a push-pull dynamic often develops in relationships that is confusing to the other people in our lives.

I assume this is where the "disorganized" and “fearful” attachment labels come from. But they are only part of the story. Of course, there is fear and internal chaos — but there is also a longing for home, for love, for connection. So much that it risks drowning us in the sorrow of our solitude if it goes unfulfilled.

Those of us with complex trauma need emotional safety to heal, but we are often unable to create it for ourselves. We need another person to pattern emotional safety and show us, through positive experiences. We need others to help us bring solace and soothing back into our experience of life.

It's a heroic ask of a friend or a partner. But it's also the best and most healing gift.

Emotionally safe relationships create belonging and belonging heals trauma. 

The emotional safety that comes with secure, anchored relationships provides a safe haven for our hearts and a secure base for our dreams.

Whether you're the one with complex trauma, or you care about someone who has it, I want to share some key elements that make emotional safety challenging in relationships.

Hypervigilance

People with complex trauma have lived experiences of repeated overwhelm, terror, and despair. Even though the danger may have passed, we can't quite believe that it's over. Our nervous systems still carry the imprint of unresolved trauma, and our memories are still activated by anything that reminds us of the pain.

We are constantly on the lookout for any way we might be unsafe. This makes us especially sensitive to cues like eye contact (Was that an angry look?), tone of voice (Are you angry with me?), and posture (Are you going to yell at me?).

Our nervous systems are never fully at rest or relaxed, and our minds constantly make meaning of our endless activation by seeing danger everywhere. Because complex trauma is often relational in nature, we read unsafety especially in our relationships. Even when there isn't any. We can't help it. Understanding this baseline is essential for navigating complex trauma in relationships.

Shame

There is a pervading sense of wrongness that comes with complex trauma. Those of us with developmental trauma from childhood (a type of complex trauma) often carry a sense of deep unworthiness in our being. We were often projected upon by overwhelmed and under-resourced caregivers, who (often unknowingly) took their anger and frustration out on us.

Small children can't understand why the adults meant to care for them would treat them with anything but love and adoration. We interpret, from this lack of care, that something is wrong — not around us, but within us. The sense of inner wrongness we take on comes with a deep sense of shame.

As adults, the shame we feel contaminates our relationships and impacts our ability to share about what is going on inside. We feel deep unworthiness, which is easier to hide than to confront. We imagine that if we share about how we truly feel, we’ll risk rejection and abandonment by the people we love.

People-Pleasing

Those of us with complex trauma are used to abdicating our needs in favor of someone else’s. We feel safest when other people are getting their way, because they are less likely to turn on us. Conflict feels risky and often terrifying because it suggests that punishment is imminent. We might not even be aware of all the ways our needs were habitually overridden in the past. 

It's easy to become locked in the "good" persona, doing things that garner external approval while neglecting our true needs. We know what's expected of us, so it's easy to perform a role without giving it too much thought. Then we start to wonder why life is going grey and we hate everything and everyone, until we admit that we were living someone else's life and not our own.

Another way people-pleasing can show up with complex trauma in relationships is guilt and over-apologizing. We are so used to giving in to others’ needs that, when we assert our own, we feel like we're taking too much space. We feel guilty for asserting our preferences and boundaries, as if we've done something wrong. It doesn't feel safe to have a point of view or argue our opinion, which makes relationships hard to navigate.

The Only Way Out is Through

Learning how to create more emotional safety can help those of us with complex trauma enjoy stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Rather than pretending we're not this way or feeling guilty for how the past shaped our nervous systems, we can step into self-leadership. We can allow our closest relationships to become a container for our deepest growth and healing.

When we learn to co-create emotional safety together, in our relationships, we experience the intimacy and connection that we long for from the people we love. Our nervous systems drop into a state of deep relaxation and rest that activates the "social engagement system" and allows us to feel authentic belonging. Our mirror neurons “copy and paste” other people's secure attachment dynamics so we can try them on as our own. Relationship conflict becomes an opportunity to create collaboration and more closeness.

If we don't learn how to find emotional safety, relationships become a minefield of pain and potential re-traumatization. We feel we are "walking on eggshells" around each other, never sure what will spark another disagreement that leaves both people shaken and upset. Conflicts become ever more polarized, with no resolution. Over time, we begin to doubt the relationship and the power of love to heal.

Here are some ways to create more emotional safety if you or your partner have complex trauma.

How to Create Emotional Safety for Yourself If You Have Complex Trauma

1. Understand your activation patterns.

Complex trauma shows up relationally. You need to know what it feels like when your trauma response is activated. What are your thoughts? What does your body feel like? What emotions arise?

2. Notice when you're activated.

When you feel your trauma response activate, awareness is everything. See if you can notice what percentage of the upset is coming from what is currently happening, and how much feels like it's from the past. Often, emotions may seem out of place and reactions, out of proportion. These are clues that something deeper has come up, sparked by what is going on.

3. Take time out for self-care and self-regulation.

It's your job to create inner safety for yourself — not your partner's. Your partner cannot soothe your nervous system. Only you can do that. Learning basic trauma navigation skills (like here and here, and other ways to self-soothe are essential. If one tool doesn't work, keep trying until you find one that does.

4. Make time and space to heal the wounds of the past.

Complex trauma can always heal. It doesn't have to be hard or painful. You owe it to yourself and your relationships to find a healing modality that works for you. If you're curious about the somatic trauma resolution work I offer, reach out and let's talk. I specialize in helping people with trauma have better relationships.

5. Help your partner, friends, family, and colleagues learn about complex trauma so they can support you better.

People often mistake complex trauma symptoms for rudeness, aggression, or carelessness. When people understand how trauma impacts your relational dynamics, they're usually more willing to work things out when upset or confusion arises. For example, they will better understand that momentary aggression is often a sign of returning to power, which makes it easier to be on the receiving end.

How to Create Emotional Safety If Someone You Love Has Complex Trauma

1. Recognize the signs of nervous system activation in the other person.

This can sometimes be counterintuitive, because complex trauma can show up as a freeze response or an appease response. If they're abdicating their needs, it's probably because they feel unsafe. If they act collapsed, shutdown, or frozen, it means their nervous system is highly activated.

2. Regulate your nervous system.

Yes — your nervous system. Not theirs. Your priority, in moments when the other is activated in a trauma response, is to down-regulate your system. Do whatever you need to create more safety and space. Settle. Breathe. Ground. It’s important for you to stay centered and resourced, and not follow the other person into their trauma cycle.

3. Take time away if you need to.

Sometimes we need to step away to collect ourselves and self-regulate into a more grounded and present state. If you need to do this, do it. Let the other person know why you are stepping away and that you will be back imminently. It will be very hard for them to see you leave, so if you can stay within visual sight, this can deescalate the intensity. Do what you need to stay grounded. You need to take care of yourself first.

4. Show up with a steady, compassionate presence.

When you can be with them from a place of loving kindness and care, their nervous system will attune to yours and co-regulate. Our nervous systems naturally attune to stability and safety, and this is what you are providing for them.

5. Go slow.

Too many words can be overwhelming. Speak slowly, breathe slowly, and use a calming tone of voice, even if they're not. They will slowly attune to your nervous system. The strongest nervous system wins.

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Complex trauma is challenging but it's not a mystery. With care and attention, you can provide each other with a space for safety and healing.

I hope this has been helpful for your journey. You can subscribe to my newsletter below, if you’d like to hear more from me. And if you think it might resonate with someone you know, I hope you share it with them.

And reach out anytime. I'd love to hear what you think.