The Path of Healing in Relationship

It's easy to give up on healing and think that unresolved trauma is always going to impact our relationships. That we're always going to be hypervigilant during conflict. Or immediately dissociate when we receive caring touch. Or that we're always going to have parts of the past staying with us, in the present.

But it's just not true.

The body and mind are capable of tremendous healing. Researchers say the ability of the brain and nervous system to change is "plastic." Plastic is malleable. Under the right conditions, you can change it into any shape you want.

This means that the way unresolved trauma might be showing up and impacting our relationships can change too.

And it's up to us to create the change we want. We get to decide — what are we creating?

Trauma tends to take away our sense of agency and choice. It's overwhelming and exhausting, putting us on an endless cycle of over-activation and collapse that makes us feel we’ve lost our power.

I want us to step out of the powerlessness of the trauma response and onto the path of healing.

I want us to take whatever it is from the past that is still showing up and decide to work with it.

We can work with the way it still feels in the body, or the endlessly looping thoughts about the past and fears for the future. We can work with the frustration about how the past continues to impact our experiences.

I'm not saying it's easy. It takes tremendous courage to show up for the parts of us that are terrified and hopeless.

Often the motivating factor isn't just our own wellbeing, but how we want to be in our relationships.

It's easy to get stuck.

We might tell ourselves the story that if we talk about our trauma, our partner won't listen or understand. We're afraid of rejection, so we don't take the risk.

Healing happens in relationship, so when we stay quiet and don't share, we give trauma undeserved power in the present.

Pretending like it's not there and hoping it will go away only makes things worse. 

Trauma can heal. No matter how long it's been there, no matter how bad it is. It can — and wants to — heal.

We might be afraid that our partner will judge us or think that there's something wrong with us.

It's okay to be scared to talk about our traumas. But most people won’t be as harsh on us as we are on ourselves.

When we let our fear stop us from making our lives better and improving our relationships, we are choosing to stay in our pain instead of taking bold steps towards healing.

There's a lot of stigma and misunderstanding about trauma, so it's normal to be worried about how other people's misconceptions might impact you.

That's why it's important to learn about trauma, so we can share what we know with the people who care about us.

Tomorrow I'm giving a free workshop, 'Trauma Skills for Better Relationships,' where I'll teach basic trauma navigation skills that can help during tough conversations with your partner.

These skills are especially powerful when we feel the activation of a trauma response coming up.

I'll cover everything you need to know to put these skills into immediate practice, so you can feel more self-confident and even excited for the holidays together.

Sign up for my workshop, where you'll learn skills that will create more love and closeness in your relationship over the holidays.

I hope to see you there.