Trauma Skills for the Holidays

The fast-approaching holidays are a challenging time for those of us with trauma, especially for our intimate relationships.

They can dredge up painful memories and a deep sense of loneliness, even if we’re in a partnership we treasure with someone we love.  

It's easy to feel activated when the holiday season approaches.

Maybe we feel anxious.

Tense.

We might long to “get it over with.”

And then we feel guilty for not enjoying it like everyone else seems to. And we wonder if there’s something wrong with us. (There isn’t.)

Maybe things are going really well, and that creates its own feeling of "foreboding joy" (as Brené Brown calls it), a trauma response that tells us we can't enjoy what we have because — at any moment — something bad might happen.

When everyone around us is celebrating, it's easy to let unresolved trauma pull us into a dark vortex of inner despair. And it's even easier to put on a brave face and not tell our partner what's going on...so the isolation compounds.

We might tell ourselves we don't want to burden them. We just want them to enjoy the holidays. We don’t want to “ruin” their good time by sharing how we really feel.

It’s easy to shut down and want to hide from the feelings of vulnerability, helplessness, and loneliness that can surface around the holidays. For those of us with developmental trauma, these feelings are flashbacks — signs of unresolved trauma, constellations of emotional states from the past still held in our nervous system.

Hiding how we feel might seem noble in the moment, but when we martyr ourselves to the pain of the past and our unresolved trauma, we're not doing ourselves — or our relationship — any favors. 

When we present a less-than-honest picture of how we're feeling, we lose the opportunity for authentic connection that the relationship offers in the first place. We turn away from the support that's available to us from our partner because we don't want to be vulnerable.

Underneath that fear of vulnerability lies a deeper fear — that if our partner knew how we really felt, they might not want to be with us.

So we go quiet and suffer in silence. (If this sounds like you, I hope to offer you another way.)

If we grew up in a household with caregivers who were emotionally neglectful or emotionally immature, we might be used to masking our true feelings and "putting on a brave face."

It probably happens so fast that it feels automatic.

But then there’s the sinking feeling in the lower belly, impossible to ignore. The lead heaviness weighting the throat. And the frantic, unspoken thoughts that whisper we don't matter...

These trauma responses impact our intimate relationships. We don't speak up about our needs. We don't identify or share our feelings.

During the holidays, when everyone around us is gathered to celebrate — and we feel nothing but loneliness — it's easy to want to disappear and wait for everything to be over.

It’s easy to withdraw from our partner just when they’re wanting to spend time with us, to put up a mask and hide our true feelings when they’re hoping to enjoy the holidays.

If we succumb to the trauma response in those moments, we turn away from intimacy, from connection, and from creating beautiful memories together of time we truly enjoy.

But we deserve better than that.

I want to show you how to hold yourself through the challenges that come up during the holidays, so that you can have a better, stronger relationship with your partner.

So the holidays bring you closer, instead of making you feel farther apart.

So instead of going quiet and hiding your authentic needs, you feel more loved, more cherished, and more understood than ever before.

The trauma that activates during the holidays needs tender, loving care to see us through.

This is a process, but as the holidays approach, we also need ways to handle the hurt that comes up from the past, aching to be healed.

We need things we can do right now, in the moment, to make ourselves feel better. To make it not just bearable, but enjoyable.

It’s easier than you think.

I'm giving a free workshop, 'Trauma Skills for Better Relationships,' just in time for the holidays.

I'll teach you simple skills that, no matter your level of healing, will help you from being overwhelmed when you find yourself in a trauma response.

So that you can shift from anxious and tense to confident and excited about the holidays together.

I’ll show you how to easily communicate what’s going on to your partner, so they can support you when you have a trauma response.

What you’ll learn will help you enjoy the time you spend together — without dismissing your needs or hiding the pain.

This is a complete workshop. Everything you need to practice these skills will be covered in the hour we'll have together.

I invite you to attend with your partner, so they can learn how to better support you when trauma comes up and things get challenging. (If you can't make it live, I'll send you the recording.)

Sign up here for my free workshop, put the skills I teach you into practice, and watch your relationship improve.