How to Support a Partner with Trauma

The traumatized nervous system speaks its own language. Sometimes, we feel angry and aggressive without knowing why. Other times, we want to run and hide, even though "nothing happened." We freeze at the most inopportune times, in the very moments we need to self-advocate. Or we over-compensate by trying to earn love through overly accommodating behavior, like over-giving and overworking.

All of this happens because the traumatized nervous system is frozen in the past, back when the traumatizing event occurred. At that point in the past, the nervous system was so overwhelmed that it stored the feelings, physical sensations, and thoughts from that time, with the hope of successfully processing the overload at some point in the future.

Each time trauma activates in the nervous system, we have an opportunity to heal — if we know how to be with ourselves and each other.

Trauma is not about what happened. It is about how our nervous systems processed what happened. What is traumatic to one person will not be traumatic to another person.

Well-meaning people may look from the outside and tell us to "Just get over it," "Don't be so sensitive," or "Try harder." They may advise us to read this book, or try this supplement, or listen to this podcast, sending us further into a shame spiral when that inevitably doesn't work.

It becomes preferable to mask trauma symptoms and not talk about it, because sharing about our symptoms doesn't feel emotionally safe. We may worry we won't be believed, or that others won't understand how truly bad our pain is, because trauma doesn't make logical sense — and neither do trauma symptoms.

It's easy to judge, minimize, or pathologize other people’s trauma. This response is hurtful when we share about our experiences, but it's most hurtful when it comes from our partners.

One of the biggest fears of people with unresolved trauma is that, if our partners truly knew the depth of our woundedness, they would leave us.

This is especially true when we have developmental trauma from childhood or complex PTSD (CPTSD), which are both types of relational trauma. Because others didn’t give us the emotional support we needed in the past, we carry inner wounds around relationships, including distorted beliefs about relationships and how to get our needs met.

But trauma heals in relationships.

Partnership is one of the most powerful places to catalyze deep and lasting change — if our partners know how to navigate with us. 

How to Heal Trauma in Relationship

It takes tremendous courage to trust our partners to support our healing journey. Especially when we've been wounded by relationships in the past, it can feel too risky and easier to mask our pain with silence.

But when we trust our partners enough to share what's going on inside, we open a relational space of authentic intimacy and vulnerability. We witness our partners' values, character, and commitment to our wellbeing.

The truth is, if they aren't up for that journey, it says more about them than it does about us. Not everyone has the maturity to value deep and authentic connection. It's better to know this upfront and heal from the heartbreak than to play it safe with someone who isn't willing or able to be there for the full spectrum of us and our experiences.

I hope this map helps to guide you and your partner towards the territory of healing. From that place, you can both enjoy the growing gifts of more energy, aliveness, playfulness, and joy that healing inevitably brings.

How You Can Support Your Partner's Trauma Healing

If you're a partner of someone with trauma, I invite you to see this list as a plan for ongoing conversations. Make time to connect and talk this over, a little at a time. Together, you can plan for challenges and be equipped to transform trauma responses into opportunities for healing.

1. Learn your partner's trauma symptoms.

Learning about your partner’s symptoms is a journey that happens over time, as they feel safe to share with you just how often they are in flashbacks, anxiety attacks, dissociation, or any number of other trauma symptoms. When trauma symptoms activate, it's a sign that the survival part of the brain and body have taken over. Trauma responses mean the thinking, neocortical part of the brain is offline. More body-based and emotionally focused responses are required.

2. Recognize the signs that your partner is in a flashback.

Learn the language of your partner’s nervous system. Noticing the signs of a flashback or a trauma response, the moment they start to happen, will help you step up and offer support. With practice, you may notice the onset of your partner’s trauma responses before they do. This creates a powerful place to respond from, with care.

The four types of stress or trauma responses are well-known: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. Your partner will likely have a pattern of trauma responses that are somewhat predictable, for example, anxiety attacks during moments of sensory overwhelm in public or freezing from flashbacks during intimacy. The more you can learn how your partner's nervous system responds, the more prepared you will be to support them.

3. Be willing to intervene with support and care.

You can't talk someone out of a flashback or a trauma response. Trauma lives in the subcortical brain, and involuntarily bypasses the thinking, logical neocortex. What is needed, in the moment, is your unwavering presence, support, and care. This is communicated through the body, mainly your body language and voice tone. When your partner is being taken out of the present moment, through a flashback or trauma response, your presence will anchor their awareness back to the safety of the present moment again.

4. Stay present until the trauma response cycle is complete, and your partner’s awareness returns to the present moment. 

The following tactics will work sometimes and not others. At times, they will be extremely effective, and, at other times, they will be more activating and make things worse. Stay agile and patient. Your presence and care matter more than anything you can do. You can't fix this; you can only stay with them through it. And to a nervous system frantically trying to find safety, that is everything.

Here are some things to experiment with, to see what works for you and your partner during a flashback or trauma response. Again, don't be alarmed if these sometimes make things worse. If that happens, just let it go, brush it off, take a breath, and switch tactics.

• Voice tone: Speak slowly, in a low voice, with a calm, soothing tone. If you are panicking, they will feel it in your voice. Center yourself, breathe, and ground.

• Proximity: Sometimes it will be good to be very close to your partner. At other times, it will be better to stay nearby but at a short distance. This may change moment to moment, so be aware of how you use physical proximity to establish connection and show care.

• Eye contact: Eye contact can bring someone out of a flashback or trauma response, but it can also be triggering and confrontational. Use this sparingly at first and see how your partner responds. A caring, compassionate, loving gaze can help to immediately anchor your partner’s awareness back to the present moment.

• Touch: Move slowly and see if your partner is open touch. Be sure to get consent because someone with a history of breached boundaries may be extra activated by touch, during a flashback. Offer a hug or holding, sometimes repeatedly, with patience and no agenda. Even if you're refused, stay consistent in how you offer physical reassurance, affection, and care.

• Sensory interventions: When touch and proximity don't feel safe to your partner, offering hot or cold drink, a blanket, or something to hold like a smooth stone can be grounding and reassuring. Anything that engages the five senses brings awareness back to the present moment and can help to soothe a flashback or a trauma response.

5. Adjust as necessary, through feedback and collaboration.

This is a team effort between you and your partner. Talk about your intentions to support them and what that could look like. In the moment, be adaptive and willing to go with whatever works — which might not be what you thought. Your ability to create emotional safety by offering structure and support will help their nervous system to move through the trauma response cycle.

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If we don't learn how to let our partners support us in our healing journey, we risk masking our authentic needs in relationship.

Our partners will likely misunderstand our trauma symptoms and they may become a source of stress. If we don't know how to take care of ourselves or ask for help, we may despair of experiencing the kind of partnership we long for. We might feel confirmed in our beliefs what we're unlovable, not good enough, or better off alone.

If we're brave enough to ask our partners for support in our trauma healing, the relationship becomes healing territory.

Our self-esteem soars because we see that we are worthy of receiving care. Our self-confidence increases because we experience how we can move through flashbacks and trauma response cycles without isolating or distancing ourselves from the people we love. And our trust in our partners and the relationship grows, as we more deeply trust ourselves and our healing.

If you're a partner of someone with trauma, I hope you realize how brave they are and what a privilege it is to be invited into their world. Be present, be caring, and you can't get this wrong.

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