How to Feel Deeply Heard (When Trauma Makes it Hard)
Complex trauma is inherently silencing.
From a young age, repeated traumatic experiences taught us to do whatever we needed to stay safe. We didn’t learn emotional self-soothing or relational skills in childhood and this lack negatively impacts our adult relationships.
When we do speak up, we often do so with a lack of boundaries or an overabundance of them. Understandably, this creates difficulty when we connect with others. We come on too strong or we collapse, neither strategy bringing us closer to the relational joy of being seen, heard, and attended to by another.
Until we learn new relational skills, our communication styles are often at odds with our desires for relationships. These trauma patterns aren't our fault, but they are our responsibility to change.
Neuroplasticity and neurogenesis — the brain and body's ability to grow new neurons and create new behavioral patterns — mean we can learn new skills at any stage of our lifespan. It's easy to point to the past to excuse poor relational skills, but now that we’re adults, it's our choice to learn how to do differently.
But the weight of unresolved complex trauma gets in the way and often means we feel terrified to speak up. We might have learned it’s dangerous to speak up around the people we care about.
Three Steps to Feeling Heard
These are adapted from my teacher, Terry Real. I find them immensely helpful for working to heal relational trauma.
1. Ask if it's a good time.
How many interactions become high conflict because one or both of us are in no position to talk?
Conversations are not sneak attacks. But you wouldn't know it from the way so many of us bring up heavy topics when we're driving, on the way to a party, or in public.
If we want to be listened to, we must take responsibility for the wider ecosystem of the conversation. Are we resourced and rested? Is it a good time of day? Then we ask the other if it’s a good time for them and respect their judgement.
If the other person says "No," don’t push. "No," doesn't mean "Never." We get to ask when, in the future, it would be good to talk. It's helpful if the person who said "No," agrees to initiate the conversation next, when it is a good time. This way, we're not left pestering or feeling let down.
2. Ask for the kind of listening you need, with a time estimate.
Most of us get listening wrong. We leave how the other person listens up to them, so they're likely to make a well-intentioned mistake.
I suggest we take matters into our own hands and architect our joint success by asking for the kind of listening we need.
There are three kinds of listening: empathic listening, problem-solving listening, and sharing listening.
If we’re not feeling heard, we’re probably receiving the wrong kind of listening. The solution for this is to know what kind of listening we need and ask for it.
Empathic listening is when the other person listens and offers emotional support. "I can understand how you feel that way," the empathic listener responds, nodding thoughtfully.
Problem-solving listening is what it sounds like. I'm sure we can imagine a time when we needed empathic listening but received problem-solving listening instead. It doesn't feel good, even though the other person has the best of intentions.
Sharing listening is when the listener responds to what was shared with a story of their own. This kind of listening is great for connecting and getting to know people on a deeper level. But if we need empathic listening and instead are met with, "That happened to me too. This one time..." it's understandably easy to feel unheard.
We also often expect the other person to listen to us for an indeterminate amount of time, around a ballooning complexity of topics.
The solution is simply asking for the kind of listening we need, around a clear topic, with a time estimate.
It's helpful to ask for it within a specific time period, so the other person knows what they're agreeing to. Fifteen minutes of empathic listening where we vent about work is different than two hours of problem-solving listening about career next-steps.
3. Celebrate what the other person did right with specificity and gratitude.
Asking for the kind of listening we need is a learnable skill. It requires risk and vulnerability, for all involved.
New behaviors solidify into skills when we are rewarded for achievements. Dopamine released during celebrating creates new neural pathways and is a key neurotransmitter for neuroplasticity.
I encourage you to celebrate how the other person listened, noticing specific things they said or did that felt good. Share authentic gratitude for how they showed up.
This is not the time to layer in suggestions or hidden complaints. Stay in appreciation and gratitude, and they'll be more likely to want to meet you in this skill-building again.
Well done!
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If we don't learn how to ask for the listening we need, we continue to receive the “wrong” kind of listening and never feel heard. We allow resentment to build, and we sacrifice authenticity and intimacy in our relationships.
This is too high a price to pay when we can simply learn to ask, with skill, for the kind of listening we need.
When we ask for the kind of listening we crave, we create a clear pathway for the other person to connect with us. We take the risk to be heard, seen, and attended to. And then we welcome and enjoy the feeling of connectedness and care that these skills create.
But it takes bravery.
It takes letting go of the past, which often carries a strong charge in our bodies.
If you find that it's too difficult to ask for this kind of listening, you might have unresolved trauma that's impacting your relationships. I invite you to get in touch to explore individual or couples work with me, so together we can shift that.
We all deserve the joy of connection that comes from being deeply heard.
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