You Are Not Food: Breaking Free from Non-Reciprocal Relationships

One of the harmful impacts of growing up in homes with entitled or grandiose caregivers is an ongoing vulnerability to non-reciprocal relationships.

If we carry this pattern, one-sided relationships can repeat so often throughout adulthood that they start to feel inescapable. These relationships, where others feel entitled to our time, attention, and care without reciprocating, leave us feeling empty in an all-too familiar way.

How These Relationships Show Up

We might be cornered at a party, listening to a new acquaintance disclose their childhood trauma as we nod with sympathy while wishing we could run for the exit, strangely stuck in place.

Maybe at dinner we listen to our partners talk about their workdays, but they rarely ask about ours. We might jump to fill a momentary pause in conversation, aware of just how quickly the focus will turn back to them, and feel defeated as we rush to get our words in.

We might spend an hour at coffee with a friend as they talk and talk, without showing reciprocal interest or engagement. When it's time to leave, they might acknowledge the one-sided conversation. It's too late to change anything and we hope next time will be different, but it isn't.

Growing up with caregivers who are entitled and grandiose teaches us that our voices, needs, and boundaries don't matter. It's a deeply damaging yet often invisible form of emotional abuse that leave us with poor adult relationship skills.

We're so unused to taking up space and asserting our needs, that we're easy prey for grandiose and entitled people. They feed on the one-way flow of emotional attention we're willing to give them, because to us it feels normal.

When we gain clarity on how non-reciprocal relationships repeat trauma patterns we learned in childhood, we often feel deep grief and fury at how we've allowed ourselves to be used by others.

When this awareness emerges, we often wake up to find ourselves surrounded by multiple exploitative and one-sided relationships with people we thought were our friends. These people aren't there to celebrate or support us, despite how often we've shown up for them.

They often meet our requests for reciprocity with dismissal or denial, blaming us for not speaking up and promising things will be different. Sooner or later, though, the pattern reverts, and we find ourselves in the same territory of non-reciprocity.

It's easy to get stuck trying harder, forgiving again, or over-explaining how we desire equal space.

We are not food.

Our time, energy, attention, and care are not “supply” for others who have no intention to give back.

It's better to learn to recognize how vulnerable we are to these exploitative relational patterns, catch them early, and orient towards more emotionally available and relationally healthy partners and friends.

When our earliest relationships with our caregivers were focused on what we could do for them, rather than meeting our needs, it can be hard to know how to break the pattern.

Complex Trauma (CPTSD) and "Narcissistic" Relationships

Let's talk about one-sided relationships: why we're vulnerable, how to recognize them, and how to gently but firmly extricate yourself from their grasp.

Healthy adult relationships thrive on reciprocity, but those of us who grew up with entitled or grandiose caregivers are particularly vulnerable to getting stuck in relationships that don't give back.

It feels familiar to flow our energy, attention, and care to others with little return. We might be so accustomed to focusing on others' needs rather than our own that we tell ourselves this is our preference, and we don't mind the imbalance.

In reality, we are left feeling empty or used — however long it takes to admit it to ourselves.

Instead of speaking up for ourselves, we try harder and hope things will change. It's easy to spend years in these dynamics, never getting what we need.

Leaving these one-sided relationships often spirals us into guilt and self-doubt. Healing means grieving what we didn't get and learning how to walk away gracefully, so we can make space for authentic and fulfilling connections.

Healing from Non-Reciprocal "Narcissistic" Relationships

If we grew up with grandiose or entitled caregivers, our adult relational skills often need upgrading to learn the flow of healthy relationships.

We're often so used to accommodating others' needs and trying harder when we're hurt that learning to listen to our instincts takes practice. Instead of trying to prove our worth and earn reciprocal care, we can build connections with people who are eager and available to give back to us.

Our emotional intelligence and ability to connect with others are valuable gifts. When we share them in reciprocal relationships, we come away feeling joyful and energized, not resentful and depleted. We can experience the joy of sharing and being seen, rather than anxiously hoping for equal space.

When we turn towards others who reciprocate our emotional effort, we can finally enjoy healthy and fulfilling relationships.

5 Ways Non-Reciprocal Relationships Show Up (And How to Shift Them)

1. External orientation towards others' needs

When our caregivers teach us that their happiness comes before our own, this external orientation to their needs impacts our adult relationships. Our nervous systems learn to pick up on the slightest shift — a sideways glance, narrowed eyes, a shift in tone — and spring into action to "fix" things.

This fawn response is one of the first things that we heal, when doing trauma work at the level of the nervous system. Rather than being hard on ourselves for so-called "people-pleasing," we can slowly create the safety and self-forgiveness required to reorient towards our own center. This "self-centering" is often a deep relief and feels like finally coming home.

2. One-sided relationship dynamics

It can be hard to see when relationships aren't giving back what we put in. We get used to giving the other person the benefit of the doubt, feeling empathy for their challenges, and rationalizing why they need to take up all the air in the room. It doesn't occur to us that healthy relationships involve a back-and-forth, or that our silence makes us complicit in our mistreatment.

It's good to get angry and grieve relationships that don't make space for us. Standing up for ourselves or walking away are healthy responses and move us out of shame and shutdown. We must be willing to rock the boat, ask for what we need, and leave if the other person is unwilling or unable to return the care and support we provide.

3. Devaluing

When one person in a relationship feels entitled to all the space and attention, it implicitly devalues the other. This subtle but often persistent form of emotional violence creates deep and lasting wounds. It's easy to question our worth, when the people we care about act like we don't deserve the same attention or care.

It's normal to get depressed and collapse in the face of this mistreatment, especially if it's familiar from childhood. We often blame ourselves when it's the other person's entitled behavior that is the problem. It takes effort to gather the strength to reject relational dynamics that leave us feeling empty and alone.

4. Dismissal

When confronting people about their grandiosity and non-reciprocity in relationships, the most common response is sadly dismissal. They might deny that they're doing anything harmful and minimize the impact. They might imply that it's our fault they're treating us this way, and subtly suggest we try harder to earn their approval. Rather that responding with empathy and listening to the effects of their behavior, they become aggressive and defensive.

It's hard to muster the strength to confront grandiosity in relationships, only to be blamed and shamed for tolerating it or told that our feelings aren't real. It's easy to go further into shutdown, rather than see the red flags and protect ourselves from further relational exploitation.

5. Over-Giving

Experiencing early narcissistic abuse primes us to give more than we receive in relationships and believe it's normal. We long for attention and equal space for sharing but don't feel empowered to voice our needs. When we do, we're often met with a few short minutes of attention — only to have the subject once again quickly refocus on the other.

Over-giving often comes from a deep-seated sense of shame we experienced in childhood. We internalize the contempt we receive from others, who devalue us by withholding interest and attention. We replay old trauma patterns of needing to earn love, hoping that this time we'll receive it. It's a trap because it’s never our turn. We can waste a lot of time trying harder when the best thing to do is stand up for ourselves and risk whatever happens next.

Moving Forward

It's easy to feel lost in one-sided relationships because of patterns we learned in childhood.

We often normalize these relational dynamics because they're what we're used to. They're familiar, but they don't feel good.

Part of practicing good relational health is refusing to participate in unhealthy relationship patterns that diminish our self-worth and self-esteem.

We can learn how to stand up for ourselves with loving firmness and reflect, to others, how it feels to be on the receiving end of their poor treatment. Sometimes, sharing the impact of their behavior is enough to cause a shift.

These dynamics aren't fixed.

Given the right motivation and support, lasting change can happen very quickly.

Couples, especially, have the power to shift these one-sided patterns together. Most therapy says narcissistic tendencies are impossible to change, but I see lasting transformation happen in my work with couples all the time.

In friendships, it's easier to dismiss feedback and walk away. After trying a few times without seeing lasting results, it's often best to shift attention towards relationships where the other person is available and open to authentic intimacy.

We often must make peace with the sunk cost of one-sided friendships, stop trying, and walk away.

It takes work to shift these patterns, but the intimacy and joy on the other side are well worth it.

Here's to creating healthy, reciprocal relationships full of joy and connection. I want that for each one of us. It's never too late.

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Elie Losleben supports individuals and couples internationally through trauma resolution and embodied healing. She brings extensive training in somatic approaches and a deep understanding of how the nervous system shapes our capacity for connection. To learn more about working together, you're welcome to reach out.