The Strongest Nervous System Wins

When I owned a rooftop bar in Monrovia, Liberia, in the years following the country's civil war, we hosted a colorful crowd of patrons from many countries and walks of life. United Nations dignitaries mixed with construction workers building the new US Embassy. Inevitably, emboldened by double shots of pineapple-infused vodka, something would happen, and someone would make a scene.

It was my husband (then-fiancé)'s and my job, as the owners and managers, to handle things gracefully without requiring our security detail to step in. As I quickly learned how to mobilize my nervous system while remaining highly functional, I observed something powerful.

The strongest nervous system wins.

Armed with this knowledge, I could hold my center as my nervous system became the nervous system that set the tone for others to co-regulate with, when their own systems felt shaky.

I soothed the pride of a stumbling business tycoon who slipped on the slick of monsoon rain on our wooden deck and chose to cover his embarrassment by shouting.  

I calmed my kitchen team, after our co-owner waited until I was on break to barrage them for minuscule faults, so he could unload the stresses of his day onto a captive and terrified audience.

And I constantly co-regulated with mischievous and misbehaving patrons who finally had a place, amidst the intensity of overwork, where they could let loose a little and see what they could get away with — by setting their drinks on fire or smuggling their water pipes onto the balcony.

Every time, I needed to find a place inside myself that was calmer, stronger, and more confident than whatever the person in front of me was experiencing. Their upset was met by my accepting calm. Their overwhelm was met with my care and connection. Their antics were met with amusement and clear boundaries.

I couldn't fake it. Any sign of tremble would be pounced on as weakness.

No, it had to be real.

And I had to find it, fast.

As the world around us becomes more and more uncertain — geopolitically, environmentally, economically, technologically, the list goes on — we need to learn how to manage our nervous systems if we want to lead.

We need to learn how to become predictably and reliably the strongest nervous systems in the room.

We need to co-regulate actively — not from a state of overwhelm, where each of us pulls the other further into a whirlpool of panic and upset, but from such a strength, stability and connection that others can copy-paste some of that calm for themselves. 

When we take the lead to co-regulate, our nervous systems become the guiding beat in a cacophony of sound. Our stability becomes the metronome against which others set their rhythm. And like this, we can collectively find our way back to coherence and even harmony.

Having the strongest, most settled nervous system gives us the power to lead in high-conflict situations. It helps us to achieve our goals in environments we normally find intimidating. It challenges us to create emotional safety during stressful situations.

When we can calm our nervous systems from our stress responses (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn), we learn how to stay present and connected to our bodies. Our leadership takes on a more powerful quality that others can feel, because of how our social biology (aka our “interpersonal neurobiology”) is wired.

How Nervous Systems Wire Together (and Why This Matters)

Neuroscience research continues to indicate how interconnected our nervous systems are. Rather than seeing our nervous systems as individual, they operate less like an “I” and more like a “we.”

This has staggering implications for leadership in times of stress and uncertainty.

Humans are inherently social and collaborative. Long before we developed speech, our bodies forged a shared language with layers of meaning and connection.

Nonverbal cues help us determine whether someone is a friend or a foe. But deeper than that, our nervous systems connect and synchronize to the strongest signal. 

Think about a large group audience where people are having a shared experience — musical performances, speeches, comedy routines, even lectures. In such environments, our brain waves and heart rhythms can literally begin to synchronize. The leader's nervous system entrains our own.

Nervous system regulation is measured by heart (or cardiac) coherence, which is a function of heart rhythm variability. The heart's rhythm organizes into regular and repeating waves.

Heart coherence is a phenomenal body-mind bridge because it responds to consciously evoked feelings of self-connection, well-being, and calm. It's a powerful state that we can evoke simply through focus and breathing (which I'll explore in a moment).

When we're in a stress response, the logical, thinking parts of our brains go offline. Our systems become dysregulated, and that distress shows up in our heart rhythm and breathing. We naturally search for someone in a state of calm and coherence, so we can co-regulate and calm our systems.

Don't take my word for it.

Try it in group environments and see what happens. 

The Power of Presence

Often, we try to navigate stress through bypassing the body. We try to resolve discomfort with mindsets shifts or by trying to change our so-called limiting beliefs. We reason that trying harder will bring us the success we're looking for. 

When that doesn't work, we "fake it 'till we make it" and mask our lack of confidence with bluster and bravado, hoping no one will notice.

But we are social animals, and we subconsciously pick up on a lack of confidence in others. Our nervous systems are hard to fool, especially the parts responsible for sensing danger.

Trying to fake our way to feeling calm just doesn't work.

We need to find it in our bodies, for real.

But how do we do that, especially in situations that make us want to run, or collapse in frustration and give up?

How to Become the Strongest Nervous System in the Room

If we've ever supported a friend submerged by sadness or calmed a flustered and furious colleague, we already know these skills.

We often use them unconsciously, by opening ourselves up to connection or being willing to offer compassion to others. When we do, others feel safe enough to connect to us and find their way to the same state of calm our nervous systems are offering.

It’s when we bring conscious awareness to these skills that they become leadership superpowers.

But if we don't learn how to calm our nervous systems and offer that calm to others, it's easy for tempers to rise and emotions to cloud our judgement. Conflict becomes high-stress, instead of an opportunity for transformation. When that happens, it's easier to avoid the risk of confrontation than deal with what needs addressing.

Here's how to turn that around:

1. Focus

It's imperative, in these high-stress moments, to turn the focus back onto us. The usual response is to focus outwards, on what's happening externally, to fix or resolve things. Whenever we do that from a dysregulated state, it’s a mistake. Others sense our activation and respond with an activation spike of their own. To shift the pattern, must turn the focus to where we have the most access and power — onto ourselves.

2. Breath

The breath is the supreme regulator of nervous system activity, constantly shuttling us from activation on each inhale back to relaxation on each exhale. Breath is always available to anchor our focus in times of intensity. By consciously connecting to our bodies through the breath, we can shift our state from activation back to calm and self-collected centeredness. To do this, slow the breath down as much as possible. Inhale to expand the lower belly and ribcage. On the exhale, gently push the air out by relaxing the torso. Repeat.

3. Embodiment

Staying focused on and present with the body (or "embodied") keeps us anchored in our immediate environment. Our minds often try to outpace the body, trying to resolve a stressful situation long before the body has had time to settle. When we can confidently move through stress cycles as they arise, we begin to access embodied intelligence. We allow our nervous systems to settle and our heart rhythms and breathing to create a state of coherence that is palpable to others. By tending to our own needs first, we are then able to tend to the needs of others. This is powerful and worth practicing.

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When we learn how to become the strongest nervous system in the room, we use co-regulation to lead others into new possibilities. Opportunities for collaboration emerge. We create more resilience and are more adaptive — individually and as a group.

We need this skill for the challenges that lie ahead.

I hope you give co-regulation a try. Let me know how it goes.

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