Knowing about DARVO Prevents Emotional Abuse
I wish I learned the signs of emotional manipulation and relational abuse in high school health class when I learned about sexually transmitted infections and was cautioned about recreational drugs.
At the time, people weren't aware that the long-term impacts of psychological and emotional abuse (including what is now called "coercive control") are the same as the long-term impacts of physical abuse (also known as "intimate partner violence").
Now we know that, within relationships, emotional abuse has the same long-term health impacts as physical abuse, including increased risk of autoimmune diseases (because of an over-activated stress response), increased mental health issues (including anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation), and a reduced life expectancy, among others.
Most of us minimize and dismiss emotional abuse, but it’s serious.
We like to think of ourselves as self-aware. We don't ever think that emotional abuse could happen to us.
Emotional abuse can be hard to recognize. It's easier to hide than physical violence. It makes us doubt ourselves. We think we're to blame. We reason that if we could only change, we could prevent further abuse.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Partners who emotionally abuse do so not because they are suffering but because it is a tactic of domination. Their relational safety doesn't come from connection, but from their ability to exert power and control over us.
In these relationships, the number one mistake we make is to treat our partners like they're logical. We assume that if we can only show them what really happened, and they understand how they're hurting us, they'll stop. We diligently collect evidence and argue our case, explaining over and over again, but it doesn't seem to change anything.
That's because explaining is a trap.
Emotional abuse is a domination tactic. Partners who emotionally abuse do so because of its impact. This is why no amount of explaining ever makes a difference. It's not about logic. It's about domination.
They are playing by completely different rules.
They are in control of their behavior, evidenced by the fact that the emotional abuse only happens behind closed doors, within the relationship, where it is easily hidden.
In public, partners who emotionally abuse will carefully tailor their upstanding image, so that family and friends are likely to question our experience, if we are ever brave enough to share.
"Them?" they may ask, incredulously, "I've known them for years. They would never do that." Or, "How can you say such things? They've always been so supportive and kind."
In private, the mask drops and a shocking side of emotionally abusive partners emerges, one they have carefully groomed us to submit to, by making us doubt ourselves.
Lucky for us, there is a telltale pattern that emotional abuse follows. Learn it, and you'll be well-equipped to respond and protect yourself accordingly, when and if someone ever tries it on you...
Learn the DARVO Pattern to Recognize Emotional Manipulation
The reliable pattern that emotional abuse often takes is summarized by the acronym DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.
Once you learn these simple steps, you'll be able to recognize when someone tries to manipulate a situation and you’ll be fully empowered to stand your ground.
Because emotional abuse often goes together with relationship infidelity, I'm going to use it as an example to illustrate the dynamic.
If this is a sensitive topic for you, I invite you to be gentle with yourself when reading this. Notice what feelings arise, acknowledge them, and don't try to minimize or dismiss your response.
It's confusing and disorienting to have someone deny and dismiss our experiences. It's worse when we learn to do it to ourselves.
By learning this pattern, you'll be wiser and more prepared than ever to stand up for yourself and your needs in relationships.
If you've been on the receiving end of emotional abuse, I need you to know that it's never your fault. There is nothing you did to cause it. There is nothing you can do to control it. You also can't prevent it from happening again.
No matter what you try to do to change, the goal posts will shift, and the abuse will continue, because it isn't about you. It's about the dynamic of power and control over you. It’s important to know the difference.
DARVO Step 1: Deny
The first thing an emotionally abusive partner will do, when confronted about something, is vehemently deny responsibility. They can be extremely convincing and insistent, even when the evidence is clear.
Remember, this isn't about logic or facts — it's about domination. If they can make you doubt yourself, your experiences, and what you know to be true, they've already won.
In an emotionally abusive relationship where infidelity is happening, this looks like the emotionally abusive partner adamantly denying that anything happened. Even when confronted by irrefutable evidence, they still deny it — or minimize and dismiss it, denying that it matters or is of any consequence.
Even with carefully collected evidence, calmly and logically presented to them, they will still deny it, like a reflex. Remember, this isn't a normal relationship where a partner is willing to take responsibility. Emotionally abusive partners use denial to maintain the dynamic that gives them power and control.
DARVO Step 2: Attack
To make you even more likely to doubt yourself, and question why you brought the situation up in the first place, denial will be quickly followed by a personal attack. You will be shamed, blamed, and made wrong for something — it could be anything.
Remember, the attack doesn't have to make sense. It’s a deflection. It’s not about the content of the attack, the logic, or the facts.
The attack phase often happens so fast that it's hard to keep up with what's going on in the conversation, which is why it can be such an effective manipulation tactic.
With an emotionally abusive partner confronted about infidelity, denial moves quickly to fault-finding. The cheating partner suddenly accuses you of cheating, out of nowhere. They manufacture evidence of your infidelity and confront you with the accusation, suddenly enraged and full of righteous anger at the alleged transgression.
You are suddenly on trial for something, often the same thing you've just confronted them about. Suddenly, you find yourself countering their accusation, or explaining how it’s ridiculous, or defending yourself in countless ways, all of which are useless because it's not about the truth of the claim.
The purpose of the attack step, in DARVO, is to shift attention from the emotionally abusive partner back onto you, with enough force and surprise that you are caught off-balance and unsure what to do next.
Rather than keep your attention where it should be, on the original issue, you are now caught in a trap trying to defend yourself from this unfounded attack. The substance of it doesn't matter. The focus is now firmly on you and not on them.
DARVO Step 3: Reverse Victim and Offender
The last step of DARVO is the most confusing and it backfoots even the calmest and most logical of us. It happens when the emotionally abusive partner claims to be the victim and accuses you of the wrongdoing. This is a doubling-down of the attack phase and usually expands its scope.
In a relationship with infidelity, this looks like the emotionally abusive partner not only accusing you of cheating, but then generalizing to say, "You are always cheating on me. I don't know why I'm with you. You're perpetually unfaithful."
Remember, the truth of this doesn't matter. You can spend hours and even days defending yourself, but they have already won. The focus is no longer on them. It's on you, and all the ways they want you to think that you’re failing or not meeting their needs. It’s the ultimate power play.
Reversing Victim and Offender is about making you so confused that you regret ever confronting the emotionally abusive partner in the first place. The confusion functions to make you doubt yourself and think twice before you bring anything similar up for discussion, ever again.
The natural result of this is to collapse in despair, confused and uncertain. The rules of the relationship have shifted, and until we understand this pattern, it can be hard to figure out exactly what happened and what to do about it.
*
DARVO is just one part of what happens in emotionally abusive relationships. But it is a reliable pattern to identify manipulation, so it's a helpful one to understand.
If we don't know about DARVO, it's easy to get confused when someone tries to manipulate us. We may attempt to argue with facts or over-explain, hoping to convince them with rational arguments. When we do that, we give them exactly what they want — power and control over us and our emotional state.
When we know about DARVO, we can help ourselves and the people we care about to identify when something isn't right in relationship dynamics. The pattern explains the frustration and confusion that arise around emotional manipulation and abuse.
It can be hard to acknowledge when someone we care about, especially a partner, is using DARVO tactics. It helps to know that DARVO tactics follow a well-known pattern that we can recognize to better understand what's happening.
If you have ever experienced emotional abuse, I strongly encourage you to get support for the relational trauma that can easily develop from these encounters. Emotional abuse distorts our ability to trust ourselves and others, until we heal.
Trauma can always heal, but it doesn't heal by itself. But once we do, we are no longer at higher risk for the scary long-term health impacts I mentioned above. At any age, trauma healing creates lasting physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing.
Reach out to me if you'd like to explore how I approach trauma healing and see if it might be a fit for what you're looking for.
As always, I've love to hear what you think about what I shared, and how it's landing with you.
*
Thank you for reading. If you’d like to hear more from me, I invite you to subscribe to my newsletter below. And if you think this might resonate with someone you know, I hope you’ll share it with them.