From Shame to Strength: Understanding Boundary Collapse in Relationships

I used to have collapsible boundaries that would fold at the slightest sign of someone’s discomfort. If I met unexpected pushback, the words would tumble out in a rush to make things okay. If it felt like my needs were upsetting others, I would backtrack anxiously rather than standing up for myself.

When I became a trauma specialist, I finally understood this pattern of boundary collapse is a deeply engrained trauma response. It happens so quickly that it’s easy to feel confused and overwhelmed, unsure of our footing.  

By sharing about this dynamic, I hope we can better understand the chain reactions that happen when we’re activated into guilt and shame.

Certain people strategically respond to boundary-setting as if we’re causing them harm. It’s important to recognize when people are like this, because it catalyzes a boundary collapse pattern that is a hallmark of developmental trauma (a type of complex trauma or CPTSD).

When others respond to our boundary as if we’ve offended or harmed them, it’s easy to get confused. We might feel like we’re doing something wrong by speaking up about what we need. When we collapse our boundaries to please others, we’re often left with resentment and the smoldering anger of not standing up for ourselves.

It's helpful to understand the pattern’s origins, so we can more easily see how it affects us now.

The Roots of Boundary Collapse in Early Relationships 

This kind of boundary collapse often happens in homes where parents struggle to view their children as separate individuals with their own valid needs and preferences. In these families, we learn early that our role is to accommodate and adapt to our parents' emotional needs, rather than develop our own healthy sense of self.

This early patterning shapes how we relate to ourselves and others in fundamental ways. We might become overly attuned to others' emotional states while losing touch with our own feelings. We might experience our needs and preferences as somehow wrong or burdensome. We might carry a deep fear that authentic self-expression will lead to abandonment or attack. We might even get used to managing others' emotions, at the cost of our own well-being.

We move from self-expression, to shame, to accommodation, so quickly that we often don’t notice it’s happening. The cycle is exhausting. Until we get clear about it, the steps happen too fast for anything to be done.

The 5 Stages of Boundary Collapse

1. We express a preference or a limit.

Communicating what we want is essential for healthy self-expression. Speaking up for ourselves always carries a risk, and it’s vulnerable to ask for what we need.

2. The other person deflects.

They might respond with strong emotions, criticism, or withdrawal, perhaps by expressing hurt, showing intense disappointment, or communicating that our needs are somehow “too much.”

3. We feel shame and guilt.

When we see the other’s deflection as proof of our own wrongness, a collapse into shame and guilt happens very quickly. We take their words at face value and may even question or deny our own needs. We usually blame ourselves for speaking up in the first place.

4. We move into accommodation.

At this part of the cycle, it's almost impossible not to collapse our boundaries and self-abandon. Our focus is on emotionally caring for the other, and how we've hurt or upset them. We'll do anything to make it right and maintain the connection, so we can continue to receive love. Our compliance comes at the cost of our own self-esteem. We try to neutralize the shame by moving to the other’s side.

5. Our resentment builds, and the cycle begins again.

When others shame us into compliance, it’s easy to direct our natural anger inwards instead of where it belongs — targeted at the behavior of whoever is crossing our boundaries. This unexpressed anger accumulates and the pressure builds, until we speak up for ourselves again...and the cycle continues.

When we’ve experienced a pattern of boundary collapse in childhood, it carries over to our adult relationships, with disastrous results.

We often hold confused and collapsed boundaries and don’t set healthy limits for ourselves or our relationships. We might have deep aversion to expressing needs – or not even know what they are. Our bodies may anticipate attack, when we speak up for ourselves, which makes it hard to express our preferences. Vulnerability feels terrifying and we don’t even know why.

Until we heal this pattern, it’s easy to over-apologize or backpedal the moment we express a simple preference. Other people's disappointment might feel unbearable or even threatening, because we're so used to being shamed for taking up space. 

With our partners, boundary collapse impacts our ability to express our desires and preferences, making intimacy feel threatening. The cycle has trained us to feel so ashamed of our needs that we fear retaliation if we dare to express them.

Building Boundary Resilience: 5 Steps to Transformatio 

Understanding this pattern is the first step to healing it. When we see clearly what’s happening, we can meet ourselves with self-compassion and skill.

Here’s how:

1. Recognize the pattern.

When shame and guilt flood our nervous systems, it helps to remember this is part of a trauma response. If the other person is retaliating, the shame and guilt we’re feeling is an effort to control us. The key to shifting the pattern is to see the shame and guilt as programming – and meet ourselves with compassion.

2. Remember that preferences and limits aren’t selfish.

We must build the muscle of resistance, so we’re no longer easily manipulated by shame and guilt. It helps to remind ourselves that we're entitled to our preferences and limits. When we’re escaping this cycle, feeling “selfish” is a sign that we’re on the right track.

3. Build your shame tolerance.

It takes effort to build our nervous systems’ tolerance for shame. Our bodies are used to activating into a stress or trauma response that takes us into withdrawal and defeat. Sitting with discomfort is hard. Mindfulness practices like the ones I teach in my free 3-Minute Mindfulness course can help.

4. Practice holding healthy boundaries.

Good boundaries are flexible and respond to our preferences and limits. To shift the cycle of shame and boundary collapse, we must maintain our boundaries, even and especially if they cause other people discomfort. Just because someone is uncomfortable doesn't mean we're causing them harm.

5. Get support for boundary-setting from your friends or a trauma specialist.

It’s brave to practice holding boundaries without collapse. It helps to get support. When others reflect that our boundaries are not just normal, but healthy, we are inspired to move out of the boundary collapse pattern. We practice speaking up for ourselves without the backlash of retaliation.

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Healing happens when we realize the cost of the boundary collapse pattern – and are no longer willing to pay it. Instead of flooding our nervous systems with shame and guilt, we stand up and say, "No more."

When we do, we transform not just our relationships, but our whole sense of self. We discover that holding healthy boundaries deepens intimacy, rather than threatening it.

Our relationships become more easeful, allowing room for both connection and space. We find deep relief and relaxation in acknowledging our needs. When we can easily express ourselves, there’s more room for intimacy.

Perhaps most surprisingly, we discover that holding boundaries with love not only feels good — doing so helps others grow too. When we stand up for our preferences and limits, we shift generational cycles of shame and boundary collapse. This is how we create new possibilities for ourselves and those we love.

Elie Losleben supports individuals and couples internationally through trauma resolution and embodied healing. She brings extensive training in somatic approaches and a deep understanding of how the nervous system shapes our capacity for connection. To learn more about working together, you're welcome to reach out.