It is Not Okay

I am exhausted by this phrase, "the new normal." I hear it, I read it, and I catch myself saying it at work, reaching for it when I'm feeling tired or lazy.

Let's stop.

Whatever life or lifestyle we had before COVID-19, we're in transition now towards something else. All of us are, whether we like it or not.

We might be telling ourselves different stories about it, but most of us acknowledge, on some level, that a transition is happening.

Most of us changemakers and leaders have been actively catalyzing this transition, one way or another, in our work over time. Only now, things are different.

We are at the beginning of rapid change towards something new, so it's natural to experience a bit of vertigo and stress about it. We look for safety and security, and if we don't find it, we grab and clutch at something to take its place.

Trying to return to the status quo of "normal" is regressing, like looking back to determine where you want to go. Wanting “normal” means we’re not able to imagine anything new yet.

There is an innate intelligence in living systems that moves towards harmony. As living systems evolve into greater orders of complexity, they change. We change.

Change is the only constant. Right now, with COVID-19 and everything that comes after, we’re headed into a period of pronounced and accelerated change.

Are You Okay?

On some level, no. We are not okay. Maybe we weren't okay before. Or maybe we were okay before, but we're not okay now.

COVID-19 is not okay. The global situation is not okay. People's jobs and income are not okay. People's families and their mental health are not okay.

Most cultures norm that, in public, we hide what's going on in private. There is a binary distinction, a boundary that is unspoken but recognized. Most of us are taught from an early age to keep family matters to ourselves. Later, at work, we learn it’s not professional to share personal context or emotions.

When someone we know asks how we're doing, what do we say?

Do we reflexively answer, "I'm okay," or, "I'm fine?" without thinking about it? Do we wait for a follow-up question to see if the other person sincerely wants to hear how we feel? For each culture and even community, the rituals of how we connect are different.

Within relationships, communities, and even countries, sharing how we’re truly doing can become a complicated dance about what is allowed or not. But when we sanitize our truth for others, we create barriers between us and our own lived experience. 

Don’t worry if you’re doing this. Most of us are, too.

I was raised to put my best face forward, to always answer "fine" when people ask me how I am. Growing up in an aid worker household, it was important what the community thought of us. I remember being told in high school that how I behaved (or misbehaved) would directly impact my parents' jobs.

Maybe even now, a lot of us are like this.

We hide our inner experience and our true feelings because our parents taught us to, or our school taught us to, or our religion taught us to, or our culture taught us to, or our work taught us to...the list goes on and on.

We have been brainwashed out of being ourselves in so many ways. Mostly, it comes down to being afraid of being rejected, afraid of being “too much”. So we make ourselves smaller and more acceptable, for others. “It’s okay,” we say — when we know it’s not.

I often sit with the simplicity of this inner betrayal. It can be so deeply ingrained that saying, "I'm okay," is almost automatic.

But there can be a deeper, more urgent need to respond to someone asking, "How are you?"

We all know the feeling of silencing the quiet voice inside, the lurch of our stomachs when we present a less than authentic version of ourselves to the world. It doesn't feel good. Yet, since many of us were children and long into adulthood, we've been encouraged to parrot some version of, "It's okay," when we know it's not.

Coming into Alignment

Cognitive dissonance happens when we hold conflicting beliefs, attitudes, or behaviors. Like when we know something to be true, yet experience someone credible saying the opposite.

For example, the leadership style of "Do as I say, not as I do" creates cognitive dissonance because people see the leader saying one thing and doing another, which  makes it hard to tell what is real.

Answering that we're okay when we're not creates cognitive dissonance inside.

It's an invisible betrayal of our inner voice that becomes a self-defeating habit. Over time, we get so used to masking our true feelings that we ignore our needs without realizing it, isolate the parts of ourselves that don’t fit what others want from us.

We may not notice, when we don't allow ourselves to speak up about our true needs or share what's really happening. It may seem like we’re being polite, or private, or that we don’t want to bother others with our needs.

But over time, saying "I'm fine," when we’re not can become how we respond to everything. This takes a toll on our ability to feel deeply in authentic relationships, and those relationships are the things we need most right now.

There is tremendous power in speaking about what is real. There is tremendous power in saying, honestly, to others, "Things are not okay."

When we share from a place of self-knowing and we speak authentically, words resonate differently in ourselves and others. A different conversation begins to become available, beyond the surface banter we get so used to.

Maybe things are okay for you right now, but if they're not okay, you don't have to make them okay. You don’t have to pretend.

You don't have to say "It's going to be okay," when it's not. We need to speak what we see, without needing to be “positive.

Many of us are living in unsafe home situations where there is abuse or violence. This is not and does not need to be okay.

Many of us have lost our incomes or are worried about finances in the near and uncertain future. We do not need to tell ourselves that this is okay.

Many of us are far from family and friends, extra vulnerable and navigating post-traumatic stress (PTS), depression, anxiety, and substance-bonding/addiction recovery. We don't need to tell people that we're okay if it’s not true. 

Because it's not going to be okay. Not for an awful lot of us. To ignore that and gloss it over with social platitudes makes it easier to hide in denial and turn away from those around us in need.

But that’s not leadership. That’s not changemaking.

Recognizing that it’s not okay means that we’re allowed to have our feelings, our needs, and our processes, without needing to make anyone else more comfortable.

If we’re in a hard place, we don’t need to hide that to make someone else feel better.

I know it's hard to look at the world right now, and our place in it, and to not feel exhausted by the uncertainty and change. Of course it’s stressful to navigate the social isolation, income instability, workplace changes, stressful living situations and all the other contexts in which we find ourselves.

We need more fulfilling and authentic relationships to sustain the long weeks and months of the transition ahead. Authentic connection isn’t based on needing to fix something or make it “okay.” Authentic connection is showing up for what is, without needing to change anything or anyone.

Resourcing ourselves with strong and caring relationships starts with being authentic about where we are and what we need. As we share more authentically with the people closest to us, we invite and welcome new kinds of support into our lives.

So next time you feel pressured to tell someone, “It’s okay,” or “I’m okay,” when it’s not true for you, you have other options.

I find deep solace in being able to sit with friends to rage, cry and laugh, and recognize that some things are never going to be okay.

I hope that for you too.

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